Today we’re going to talk about some questions to ask your partner before marriage. The Oxford dictionary defines marriage as a legally or formally recognized union of two individuals as partners in a personal relationship. However, depending on your traditions, religious beliefs, family values, or culture, marriage can be defined in various ways. 

Though marriage is historically thought of as between a man and a woman, today several alternatives are recognized and celebrated. Nonetheless, in almost every culture or religion, marriage is a significant step and validation of commitment. 

If you are looking to enter your marriage with the strongest, unbreakable partnership, consider these 10 questions to ask your partner before marriage. Each one will spark a conversation that I, Jason T. Link, LPC, an experienced professional marriage counselor, advise any couple to have prior to walking down the aisle.

What is a Marriage Counselor? 

A marriage counselor is a mental health professional that specializes in assisting couples with improving their marriage or relationship. Marriage counseling, sometimes called couples counseling, isn’t just for when big hurdles arise in a relationship, but rather can also be utilized prior to your nuptials. 

In many cases, going to counseling prior to marrying your partner can prevent significant differences in opinion and arguments. This is because a marriage counselor can walk you both through hard questions that are essential to discuss before the commitment of marriage. 

We’ll talk more later about the benefits of seeing a couples counselor prior to marriage, though the questions laid out here today are a good place to start, too. 

Why Are These Specific Questions To Ask Your Partner Before Marriage Important?

So, we know that seeing a marriage counselor can help you and your partner have hard conversations surrounding certain questions, but why are specific questions more important than others? Well, there are a few factors that go into this. 

For one, the questions we will talk about today are often avoided because they require you to be vulnerable with your partner. Additionally, the conversations that occur when you ask these questions are frequently the root of the issues that marriage counselors like myself see once couples on the brink of divorce make a final attempt to save their relationship. 

Common Disagreements of Married Couples or Long-Term Relationships

What are those frequently occurring subjects that land married couples or those in long-term relationships in couples counseling? 

From my experience, the root of most of the disagreements I see in relationships is infidelity, a difference in values or beliefs, partners not meeting each other’s needs, ineffective communication, and not living up to each other’s expectations. 

The questions presented in this article all attempt to prevent disagreements resulting from these topics or provide you with tools to tackle them together. 

Top 10 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Marriage

Below are the 10 most essential questions to ask your partner before marriage and each partner should answer each question honestly. These are jumping-off points that should spark an in-depth conversation, so we’ll also highlight some more specific elements underneath the questions to ensure you touch on them. 

1. How do you give and receive love?

I am sure you love your partner and you know they love you, but how do you show it? Does it align with what makes you and your partner feel most loved? 

We often show our love the way we tend to feel most loved though a lot of the time, that doesn’t align with how our partners feel most loved. Eventually, this creates strain in the relationship as one or both partners begin to feel their needs aren’t being met or that they are simply “married to a roommate”. 

2. What are your expectations for intimacy? 

Intimacy is more than just sexual relations. It is the closeness that two people share which develops over time. There’s both emotional and physical intimacy. 

Most people often think that non-sexual physical intimacy is things like cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and hugging. However, other examples of physical intimacy can be brushing your partner’s hair, exercising with them, or doing romantic activities. 

Emotional intimacy is allowing yourself to be vulnerable, express your deepest feelings, and connect with your partner on a profound level. Going through these questions is just one way to build emotional intimacy. 

So, with this being said, before marriage, ask what your partner’s expectations are for both sexual and non-sexual physical intimacy as well as emotional intimacy.

3. What do our relationship and lifestyle look like to you in 5, 10, and/or 20 years and how can we work towards that? 

As you can see, not knowing your partner’s expectations or not knowing yours is one of the big common denominators in relationship troubles in the long run. 

Go over what you and your partner envision for the future in terms of your relationship and lifestyle. Include things like where you live, finances, religion, kids, hobbies or activities, careers, and how often you go on date nights and vacations. 

Be as detailed as possible so your partner can really see what kind of life would make you happy and how it aligns with theirs. Then, discuss together what smaller steps you can take to stay on track for that or what changes you both agree on in terms of what the future looks like.  

4. From your perspective, what does my role of being your husband/wife/partner look like or include? 

This question ensures that both partners in a relationship are willing to take on their new role in the capacity that the other needs prior to officially committing to that role. Having a talk about this subject prevents statements like “I never signed up for this.” in the future. 

5. How will we resolve arguments and are there any rules or boundaries we need to set for disagreements?

There are so so many couples who don’t know how to productively and fairly fight. And yes, fighting is good! Disagreements are inevitable, but knowing how to resolve them without hurting your relationship is vital. 

Before you say your vows, make a plan on how you’ll tackle disagreements together. Set boundaries, make the plan specific, and then practice and revise as necessary. This way, once you are married, you know how to handle the hurdles that challenge your relationship. 

6. How will we handle finances, parenting, and any decisions that affect both partners? 

A one-sided decision that affects both parties is a set-up for dissent and troubled waters. Instead of having to recover from an event like that, prevent it instead. 

Discuss how you two will handle any type of decision that affects you both. This can be things like parenting choices, discipline, finances such as large purchases, career navigation, and where you both will live.

7. What is your biggest fear about our relationship and how can I help quiet those thoughts? 

Even individuals who do not have anxiety may have fears about the relationship they keep to themselves due to negative past romantic experiences, though it will be more pronounced for a partner who struggles with anxiety. 

Therefore, investigating the relationship fears and brainstorming ways to mitigate them can help both partners feel more secure going into the marriage. 

8. What are must-haves in your life (kids, career, living situation, etc.)? 

Unfortunately, a relationship just won’t work out if one party prevents another from having something they consider to be non-negotiable in their life. Common “must-haves” that provoke a difference in opinion include kids, careers, specific living situations, religious practices, and finances. 

9. What is your definition of infidelity and lying and is it something we could ever recover from?

Infidelity means something different to everyone. For one person it could be defined more loosely and only include engaging in sexual acts outside the relationship without permission, while for another, infidelity could even include sharing any level of emotional intimacy with another person. Similarly, the definition of lying can be variable. 

Discussing the clear definition of infidelity and lying as well as if it is a deal-breaker is essential to understanding your partner’s boundaries. 

10. Would you be open to couples counseling should one of us feel we need it?

Couples counseling can be super beneficial, especially when there are several major disagreements that the couple has been unable to resolve on their own. However, more often than not couples call off the relationship or get a divorce without attempting marriage counseling because one person is unwilling to go. 

It can be helpful to discuss each partner’s opinions of couples counseling before there are any issues so that everyone has a more open mind.

Consider Marriage Counseling Before the Big Day

These questions can be difficult to answer in-depth without guidance and additional more specific probing questions. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest in your answers is also another hurdle. Seeing a marriage counselor with your partner before your wedding day can help with both of those things. 

It can give you an inside perspective of what couples counseling is like should you all need it in the future as well. Ensure both parties in the partnership are confident, secure, and fully aware of the intricacies of the relationship before saying your vows with marriage counseling before the big day. 

I, myself, offer couples counseling for those who are already married and engaged to be married, and am happy to help. My physical office is located in Indiana, Pennsylvania, but I also provide virtual counseling for those who want to strengthen their relationship from the comfort of home, wherever that might be. Reach out today and let’s talk about how we can make your relationship even better!